Paul Newman

Paul Newman, as you may have already heard, has died at the age of 83, and I have found the End of the Internet.

A couple days ago, I was thinking about the movie Mr. & Mrs. Bridge, which was a conflation of a couple of books by Evan S. Connell starring Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward, who are actually married and have been since 1958. I thought a fitting tribute to Mr. Newman would be a clip from this film.

Unfortunately, none seem to exist. YouTube has only a compilation of scenes featuring another actor (Robert Scott Leonard), Vimeo hasn't heard of it, and Hulu sent me to a TVLand website with a trailer that I couldn't embed.

I had more luck with Google. That spit up a couple of images and a whole bunch of posters and promos for the movie.



That's the only one with both Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward in it. The posters are all profile view.

I hope Ms. Woodward has a lot of support and succor in her mourning.

There Is No Lumberjack Program

When police Wednesday peered down the air vent shaft atop the Knoxville Museum of Art building at the man wedged 45-feet below, he had two words for them: "Mission failed."

Richard Anthony Smith, 25, of Knoxville had called E-911 at 4:23 a.m. to report that he was stuck in the air vent of the museum at 1050 World's Fair Drive, according to police. Using his cell phone, Smith explained his predicament to the E-911 call processor.

Wait, what? Knoxville? Knoxville, Tennessee? My Knoxville?

Upon his rescue, Smith told police "he was a special agent with the United States Illuminati" ...

There's more than one? I thought the Illuminati spanned nations! What, did we take out a franchise? How much are we paying for our local Illuminati group?

... who had rappeled from a military helicopter to the roof of the museum, according to a Knoxville Police Department report. Smith said his mission was to defuse a Russian nuclear device that "was concealed in a blue plastic cow sculpture in the basement of the museum," the report states.

However, Smith said he learned while stuck in the shaft that he had been sent to the wrong museum, the report shows. The Memphis museum was where the device was housed, Smith told police.

Well, I guess we'll find out if Knoxville or Memphis becomes a smoking hole in the ground in the next week or two.

When Butler was told about the comments Smith made to police upon his arrest, Butler said the entire event "was so irrational."

Translation: I got nothing, but my professional dignity prevents me from saying so in that particular idiom.

I'd say that if there were Illuminati, the fact that this story got published (or that their "team" of one man failed so spectacularly) means that there cannot possibly be any such organization, but then of course that is precisely what they want you to think.

Link via Steve Jackson Games' Daily Illuminator for Sept. 20, 2008.

One Pet Per Sailor, Parrots Preferred

D'ye ever wonder what all them salts're doin' scrubbin' the decks all the time? All they ever do in them pirate movies, scrub the decks, when they ain't swingin' on sheets or cuttin' up the canvas. Scrub, scrub, scrub.

Didn't used to be so hard to keep the decks clean afore parrots caught on.

Just sayin'.

This be me last piratical post, swear.

Wee Flyin' Mousie

see more crazy cat pics

Arr, it do be enough to melt this black pirate's heart, aye.

Avast, Ye Lubbers!

Be it International Pirate Lingo Day? Aye, it be!

The lads 'ere at this yare boat're celebratin' this day, wut come but oncet a year, wi' somethin' a wee bit outside o' our usual haunts o' the Spanish Main.

Aye, we be celebratin' corp'rit piracy. If ye be unable te sail the tall ships an' take the wallowin' scows the Spaniards haul their gold in, ye can always pursue a life o' dashing hostile takeovers. The thrill o' daring cutlass fights swayin' in the breeze atop a skyscraper is as much livin' as a land lubber can do.

An' in the worl' o' corp'rit piracy, there be no pirates blacker in heart and dread of action than th' felonious knaves o' this 'ere story:

(Part One)


(Part Two)


Ya Harr!

Lies

John McCain says he invented wireless telecommunications.

"He did this," Douglas Holtz-Eakin told reporters this morning, holding up his BlackBerry. "Telecommunications of the United States is a premier innovation in the past 15 years, comes right through the Commerce Committee. So you're looking at the miracle John McCain helped create and that's what he did."

I can't believe John McCain is such a bald-faced liar. And did you hear how heavily he sighed all through Barack Obama's answers at Saddleback? He's not even an American citizen -- he was born in Panama! John McCain only flew a few missions in Vietnam, and was only under fire on one, the mission he was shot down on.

Cause and Effect

George "Macaca" Allen, on the state of the nation:

I love that statement, America is addicted to oil. What an elitist point of view. Americans are not addicted to oil. Americans are addicted to freedom — the freedom and liberty to move where and when we want.

Likewise, I am not addicted to PCP, I'm addicted to the feeling of invincibility and lack of pain when I am high. I like to be able to bust out of handcuffs and rough up cops without feeling it when they hit me back. But it's not because I'm addicted to PCP.

Similarly, I don't require breathing to live, I require a regular intake of oxygen and an expulsion of carbon dioxide. The rhythmic expansion and contraction of my diaphragm and ribcage are not related at all. Don't try to claim that it is; you'll just look like a fool.

Science Can Prove Anything!

"Scientists have proven that Captain Kirk shows up to 80% more physical sexual arousal when exposed to the right-hand picture."

Science is so powerful!

Hope You Can Believe In

Don't Be Frightened

I know it's creepy. You don't see it move, yet every time you look it's closer.



Stay calm. It's probably more scared of you than you are of it. Don't make any sudden movements, and don't back it into a corner.