Dear Clients

I appreciate that your time is precious. I appreciate that a lot of the time, all these questions that we're required to answer by law are bullshit. No, I don't know why they want to know about that thing in first grade with the noodles, except they are legally empowered to ask and pin us to the wall if we fail to answer.

I do appreciate that sometimes you have to come all the way from another state to bring us the materials. I know that mailing rates are absurdly high.

Having said all that,

Please do not wonder why we don't know about the noodles.

Please do not tell us we have all of this information, when in fact we do not actually have your tax returns from the past 10 years.

Please do not state that apparently we are too lazy to do all of this stuff ourselves, and wonder why you paid us in the meantime when you actually haven't, and threaten to go to another lawyer if we ask you one more stupid question.

And if, somehow, you can't avoid doing all of those things above, please make sure you actually have given us everything we need to answer these questions, because we can't read your mind and tell what you've done for a living the past ten years.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Office Manager.